Don’t “Should” on Yourself
Wherever there’s a “should,” there can never be peace.
“Should” is a magic word! But it’s bad magic. It mystically transforms your world into a steaming pile of yuck. If you’re a caregiver for a loved one with dementia, you probably have a mile-high stack of shoulds:
My loved one (LO) should be well and free from dementia
Modern medicine should have a cure for dementia
My LO should have the same temperament they always have
They should be able to handle their bathroom needs on their own
My family should help more
I should be able to cope better
I should never get angry or lose my temper
I should always meet my LO’s needs
I should not show my frustration, anger, or sadness
I should never resent the person I’m caring for
This should just be a nightmare that I can wake up from
Things SHOULD NOT be this way
All of that may be true. All of those “shoulds” sound totally justified. There’s just one problem: “should” and “is” don’t live in the same galaxy. Every time you talk about how something should be, you’re losing touch with the way things are.
More than losing touch with the present moment, “should” actually throws up a wall of resistance against it. How can you act effectively if every fiber of your being is pushing back? Yes, your LO should have control of their own bladder, and you shouldn’t have to help them clean up after an accident. But how does that “should” serve you in the task at hand? How does it make you feel about yourself, your LO, or what you have to do next.
You might hate what I’m about to suggest (I wouldn’t blame you), but being present in the situation, accepting the situation, is where peace happens. (Remember that accepting is NOT the same as approving of something.) I know that may be difficult to hear, and even more difficult to practice. The truth is messy and complicated, and sometimes it can point you toward a difficult process. But I’m telling you, based on what I have seen and acted on in my own life, that jumping as deeply into the present moment, whatever that moment is, is the way forward. Otherwise, it’s just the same old “should,” different day.
I have a detailed course on Radical Acceptance that greatly expands on this concept and how you can apply it for yourself. It’s 100% guaranteed to be useful for you, refundable for any reason or no reason at all. You’ll find it in the site’s FREE Member’s Area.
