Karate for seniors? Karate ON seniors?!
Is it time to use some karate on your aggressive or agitated loved one? Well, not like you might be thinking, but yes! Hold off on that karate chop, though, and let me explain.
As some background, when I’m not running elumenEd, I’m teaching martial arts. I’ve been studying for 40 years, and it’s one of my great passions. The most important skill I teach my students is how to de-escalate aggressive situations without violence.
When our loved ones meet our care with aggression, de-escalation is the most important skill for you, too. The de-escalation techniques below are based on how we trigger calm human behavior in others. These strategies can defuse a lot of difficult situations with an aggressive loved one who lives with dementia.
First, it’s important to understand that a loved one’s aggression is a form of non-verbal expression. They may feel unable to communicate, unable to ask for what they need, and unsafe as a result. Humans tend to become aggressive when we’re afraid or overwhelmed, and this is what their behavior should communicate to you. Ask yourself, “what are they trying to tell me?”
Next, model the behavior you hope to inspire. No matter what is said, be slow and calm and soft-spoken. Keep your body language kind and welcoming. If you become more agitated, so will they. As they say on the bumper stickers, “be the change you want to see.”
Listen more than you speak. Even if you can’t quite understand what’s going on, ask questions and listen for answers (both verbal language and body language) about what the person is experiencing. The other person is the agitated one, so the answer has to lie somewhere within them. You can’t find the answer by talking, only by listening.
Phrase things positively. Avoid saying “no.” “Don’t leave this room!” is more constructively restated as “let’s stay in here for a while.” No one likes being told “no.”
Unless there is a risk of elopement, avoid closing doors, windows, or blinds during the conversation. Closing off spaces can give your loved one the feeling of being locked in.
Can you reduce stimulation by turning off any loud noises or bright lights?
Validate rather than judging. Avoid saying things like “How can you not be hungry? You haven’t eaten all day!” Instead, try “It sounds like you aren’t hungry right now, but I’d really like your opinion on a new recipe. Would you try just a little?”)
Use a technique called “Forced Teaming.” That just means using the word “we” (working together) instead of the words “you” and “I” (separate goals). When you say “what can we do about this,” you’re using your word choice to put you on the same side as your loved one. You’re inviting them into the solution.
Give up being right. Stay focused on the objective and don’t engage in right-wrong conversations. It doesn’t matter that you were right to take the car keys. What matters is staying calm and de-escalating your loved one’s agitation about it. Don’t take the bait: if you get agitated, how can you hope to calm things down for your agitated loved one?
Conflict normally happens when needs aren’t met and when people don’t feel heard. This is magnified by the breakdown in communication skills that happens as dementia progresses. Your super powers will be active listening, redirection, compassion, and adaptability.
The great military tactician Sun Tzu said, “The greatest victory is that which requires no battle.” If life with your loved one is feeling like a constant state of war, see if you can use some of the tips above to realize Sun Tsu’s ideal. Smart de-escalation can mean a victory for everyone involved.
Hiyah!
