Intrusive thoughts
First off, we all have intrusive thoughts. These are thoughts that are out of character and unsettling. They are things that you would NEVER do in real life, but they just keep coming unbidden, out of nowhere, and leave you feeling disturbed and, perhaps, horrified. Maybe you’re driving and you have an image of swerving into a bicyclist. Or you’re waiting to cross the street and you have an image of pushing that kid out in front of a bus. Or perhaps you’re making Thanksgiving dinner and you wonder what would happen if you mixed the rat poison into the gravy.
Because you would not do these things, you’re mortified. Why would these things come into your head? What’s wrong with you that these images would surface? Where does something so horrible come from?
First, virtually everyone has these thoughts at some point. About 90% of people have these thoughts regularly according to Psychology Today. When you’re under high stress as the caregiver of someone with dementia, that stress can increase the rate of occurrence of these thoughts. They can fall into a bunch of different categories, a sampling of which is below.
Fear of the Future: Thoughts like "What will happen when their condition worsens?" or "How will I handle it when they no longer recognize me?" can be very distressing.
Guilt: Caregivers might have thoughts such as "Am I doing enough for them?" or "Is it my fault that they're in this condition?"
Resentment: Thoughts like "Why do I have to be the one to take care of them?" or "I never have any time for myself because of this."
Worry over Health: Caregivers might constantly worry about the health of their loved one, thinking "What if they fall when I'm not around?" or "Are they eating enough?"
Thoughts of Escaping: Sometimes, the stress can be overwhelming, leading to thoughts like "I wish I could just run away from all this."
Thoughts of Harm: In extreme cases of stress and frustration, caregivers might even have fleeting thoughts of harming their loved one or themselves. These are very distressing and often a sign that the caregiver is under extreme stress and may need help.
So how do you deal with intrusive thoughts? First, whatever you do, don’t think about a pink elephant!
Don't think about this fellow stomping across your living room!
You thought about one, didn’t you? When we try to block out our thoughts, they stick even harder. Now, no matter what, don’t get “Gangnam Style” stuck in your head all day!
So the main trick is to be ok with your brain’s bizarro play time. Look at those thoughts and say “yeah, right.” If you can, laugh at them because they’re so outrageous. It’s amazing how laughing at a thing removes its power. You can even look at them and try to see how they are trying to protect you in a misguided way by reminding you not to do things that are not in your character. If you treat them seriously, they can stick around for a long time. Just look at them, laugh at them, say “thanks anyway,” and move on.
All of that being said, there are times when intrusive thoughts can point to something that you should talk with someone about. Harvard Health says,
“See a mental health professional if unwanted thoughts are starting to disrupt your daily life, particularly if they're impairing your ability to work or to do things you enjoy. However, even if intrusive thoughts aren't affecting your life in a significant way, you can still see someone to get help.”
Seeing a therapist is always a great idea for people dealing with the stress of caring for a loved one. If there are more serious issues causing your intrusive thoughts, such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, they will be able to help you sort that out. And if you are having serious, long-lasting thoughts about harming yourself or others, or you find yourself making plans to do so, seek help immediately. You can call 9-1-1, check out the Suicide Hotline (phone, chat, or text), or the Caregiver Support Helpline.
